Economic Abuse & Financial Literacy

According to a national poll conducted by the Allstate Foundation, 8 out of 10 Americans link the term “economic abuse” to Wall Street woes or irresponsible spending, rather than a more dangerous type of abusive behavior in intimate relationships. Economic abuse is a tactic used by abusive partners to control their victims and prevent them from leaving a dangerous relationship. Economic abuse may include preventing their partner from getting or keeping a job, making their partner ask for money or giving them an allowance, or one partner control finances by not letting their partner know how much money is in their bank accounts. In fact, 44% of victims of domestic violence surveyed reported not having money to support themselves as the most difficult barrier to leaving.

In 2009, SAFEHOME partnered with Center of Grace to offer a seven week healthy relationship course for Latina women. Feedback from the clients indicated that they wanted to learn more about the financial literacy component of the training. Based on the Allstate Foundation’s “Financial Empowerment” curriculum used by SAFEHOME’s Economic Advocates with shelter clients, Latina Outreach Advocate Carmen adapted the financial literacy curriculum in Spanish to meet the needs of her class. Twenty women attended the three-week courses at Center of Grace. Classes focused on learning to identify economic abuse, budgeting, setting financial goals, and open communication with your partner. Participants learned everything from the basics of how to open a bank account to how good credit can impact your ability to get a job or a home loan.

Many financial literacy participants had goals of buying a home or starting their own business. Benita was one of those participants. In Benita’s home, her husband controlled their finances and how their money was spent. Benita learned that developing a household budget and establishing a saving account would allow her to pursue her dream of purchasing a home for her family. Benita communicated her financial goals with her husband and they opened a joint savings account as a result of her participation in the financial literacy class.

If you are someone you know has been a victims of economic abuse, help is available. Please call SAFEHOME’s 24-hour crisis hotline at 913-262-2868 to access safe shelter or counseling services. All of SAFEHOME’s services are free and confidential. If you live outside the Kansas City metro area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Financial Tips for Victims & Survivors

Emotional & Psychological Abuse

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of assaultive or coercive behaviors used by one partner to gain power or control over a current or former intimate partner. This behavior may include physical, sexual, financial, or emotional abuse. In this post, we are going to focus on emotional or psychological abuse.

Emotional abuse may begin with verbal abuse (like saying things like your fat, ugly, or stupid) and escalate over time to psychological abuse (playing mind games, making their partner think they are going crazy, or using gestures to make their partner feel afraid). Psychological abuse becomes an effective weapon in controlling a victim, because the victim knows through experience that her abuser will at times back up the threats or taunts with physical assaults. It is often considered one of the most difficult types of abuse to heal from by survivors because of it’s effect on the brain.

Emotional or Psychological Abuse may be indicated by the following:

• Does not take responsibility for actions or follow through on promises.
• Minimizing or denies abuse happened.
• Blaming partner for causing abuse. For example, saying thinks like “If you had only done X, they I wouldn’t have had to X”.
• Verbally attacks and humiliates their partner.
• Forces her to do degrading things.
• Withholds approval or affection as punishment.
• Regularly accuses their partner of having affairs.
• Stalking their partner through constant emails, text messages, and or phone calls to determine their whereabouts.
• Threatening to commit suicide, report her to child protective services, or leave their partner if they do not do what they want them to do.
• Displaying weapons or threatening to kill their partner.

If you have experienced emotional or psychological abuse in your relationship, know that you are not alone and help is available. If you live in the Kansas City area, please call SAFEHOME’s 24-hour hotline at 913-262-2868. Services include safe shelter, counseling, community outreach, and education. All services are free and confidential. If you live outside the area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to be connected with a domestic violence agency in your community.

Stalking Awareness Month

Each year, nearly 3.4 million Americans become victims of stalking. Although most people think of celebrities being stalked, 75% of stalking victims are ordinary people being stalked by someone they know.

Here are some facts you need to know about stalking.
1. STALKING IS A CRIME
Stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that places a reasonable person in fear for her or his safety. Stalkers may follow you, repeated call or text you, threaten you or others you care about, or use technology to track you. Stalking is considered a crime in every state.

2. STALKING CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS
Stalkers seldom “just stop” stalking if your ignore them. In fact, behaviors may become more dangerous over time. Seventy-six (76%) percent of women killed by their intimate partners were stalked by these partners before they were murdered.
3. STALKING CAN OCCUR DURING, AFTER, OR IN THE ABSENCE OF A RELATIONSHIP
Stalking often begins during an intimate relationship in order to maintain control over their partner. Others begin stalking their partners after the relationship has ended, and the stalker tries to regain control. However, some stalkers become fixated on victims without ever having had any relationship with the person. All forms of stalking should be considered dangerous.

4. KEEP EVIDENCE

If possible, try to log the date, time, and place of all stalking behaviors. Keep emails, text, phone messages, or letters received. Photograph anything the stalker damages and any injuries the stalker causes. Remember to ask witnesses to write down what they saw.

5. HELP IS AVAILABLE
If you are being stalked by someone, help is available. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are not in immediate danger, please call SAFEHOME’s 24-hour crisis hotline at 913-262-2868. Advocates can help you safety plan, access shelter, or learn more about filing a Protection From Stalking Order.

To learn more about about stalking, visit http://www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org/

Unhealthy vs Healthy Relationships

When we talk about domestic violence, we often refer to the dynamics of power and control in a relationship. Abuse relationships are unhealthy because one person is using coercion and/or the threat of violence to get their partner to do what they want them to do. To explain the dynamics of Power and Control, domestic violence experts at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, MN created both a Power & Control and Equality Wheels.

 The Power & Control Wheel explains in detail types of abuse people experience. In the beginning of an abusive relationship, someone may call their partner names and then convince them no one else would want to be with them. Over time, the abuse may escalate in frequency and severity. For example, an abusive partner might threaten to leave with or physical harm their children if their partner tries to divorce them. The loss of control in an abusive relationship, such as a partner trying to leave, significantly increases the risk of harm for a victim of domestic violence.

The Equality Wheel illustrates what a healthy, non-violent relationship with a partner encompasses. Healthy relationships are based on open communication, shared responsibility, support, and trust. These relationships take time to develop. For example, both partners make decisions on how they will spend their money. Both parties will listen to their partner’s feelings and be willing to compromise when there is a disagreement.

If you are experiencing abusive behaviors listed on the Power & Control Wheel, help is available. Please call SAFEHOME’s 24-hour hotline at 913-262-2868. If you live outside the Kansas City metro area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Trained advocates are available to listen, answer any questions you might have, or help you access free resources in your community.

Digitally Abusive Behaviors

Each year, Liz Claiborne hosts the national “Time to Talk” day to bring awareness to the issue of domestic violence. This year, the focus was on teen dating violence and many national partners joined the cause. CBS Evening News with Katie Couric featured a story on sexting and how social media websites playing into teen dating violence. MTV also unveiled a new multi-year initiative to address the topics of sexting and cyberbullying.

MTV’s “A THIN LINE” campaign will address digital abuse series of television and online initatives. The campaign was created in response to a online survery conducted by MTV and the Associated Press. The survey interviewed nearly 1,300 young people ages 14 to 24. The most revealing part of the survey was that 50% of people ages 14-24 have experienced digitally abuse behavior. The abuse experienced included things such as someone spreading lies online, people forwarding emails or instant messages without permission, and people writing disrespectful messages about another person online or in text messages. Additionally, 3 out 10 young people reported being involved in some type of sexting. Nearly 25% of young people reported being in a romantic relationship where their boyfriend or girlfriend checks up on them multiple times a day, either online or via a cell phone.

At SAFEHOME, prevention education is a big part of the work we do. Teen dating violence is domestic violence not yet grown up. Unfortunately, we hear stories in the schools of 7th graders sending half naked pictures to other students. It is also not uncommon for high school students to use disrespectful names as ‘jokes’ in the hallways.

Although SAFEHOME has a junior high and high school curriculum presented in the schools, our one full-time and one part-time education staff members can’t meet the demand for the number of school requesting our curriculum. In 2007, SAFEHOME created a play called “THE OUTRAGE” to allow us to reach more students about the topics of teen dating violence and sexual abuse. THE OUTRAGE using high school student volunteers to educate their peers. High school students, candidly yet sensitively, present current statistical information and depict realistic dating situations. After a 25 minute performance, the high school actors answer questions from the audience. Following the presentation, audience members frequent approach actors with stories of things they have experienced. SAFEHOME staff and THE OUTRAGE volunteers help students access resources available to help them. To learn more about THE OUTRAGE, check out our YouTube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhN3VRNSxm0.

If you or someone you know needs help, please call our hotline 913-262-2868. If you live outside the Kansas City metro area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to access resources in your community.

Seeking Support for Victims of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is the number one cause of injury to women in the United States. If someone is hurting you, it is not your fault and help is available. Here are some important tips to remember from the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.

1. Talk to someone you trust about what has been happening. In addition to providing support, your friend may be able to help you seek resources in your community.

2. Safety is a priority. Remember that technology (phone/internet) can be easily monitored and traced. Use a computer at a library, work, or borrow a friend’s cell phone to access safety.

3. Trust Your Instincts. You know better than anyone else what you need to do to be safe. Listen to your gut and do what works best for you and your family.

4. Domestic violence agencies are available to help you stay safe. You can call a domestic violence hotline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We are here to listen to and provide support for you. Shelter and non-shelter services are available free of charge.

• Kansas Statewide Hotline – 1-888-End-Abuse (1-888-363-2287)
• SAFEHOME (located in the Kansas City area) – 913-262-2868
• National Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)

5. Create a safety plan. Often the most dangerous time for a victim is during or after they have left an abusive situation. Creating a safety plan can help you increase your safety at home, work, school, and in your community. Download a safety plan.

6. If you plan to leave, find someone you trust to assist you. Tell them about your situation. Leaving important documents, money, extra keys, and clothing with them may be helpful if you need to leave in a hurry.

7. Concerned about your immigration status?  In situations in which you are fleeing a violent relationship, you may qualify for assistance under the Violence Against Women Act. Talk to an immigration attorney or your local domestic violence program for more information.

For more information on how you can get help or help others visit www.helpchangekansas.com .

Legal Access Critical in Fleeing Abuse

Victims of domestic violence face numerous obstacles to escaping their abusive relationship. The most daunting obstacles usually involve fears for their children, lack of financial resources and lack of housing options. The legal system can provide remedies for these problems, but many victims lack the resources, or lack access to resources, to retain an attorney in the Johnson County area. Most family lawyers require a retainer of $2500-$5000 and charge $200-$300 per hour. It is also important that the victim be represented by a lawyer who understands the dynamics of domestic violence. Fortunately, the SAFEHOME Legal Program offers the services of an experienced family lawyer to represent shelter and outreach clients for free.

The SAFEHOME Staff Attorney, Katie McClaflin, represents victims of domestic violence in family law proceedings, including divorce, custody and protection orders. Katie has been SAFEHOME’s Staff Attorney for over four years and has assisted hundreds of SAFEHOME clients.

Karen* was a client of the Legal Program in 2008. When Karen first met with Katie, she was extremely anxious from years of physical, emotional and financial abuse. Karen had known for years that she was in an abusive relationship but had been waiting until both daughters were in college to leave. She had been in counseling with SAFEHOME for several months and really wanted to end the relationship, but did not have access to any resources to establish a life for herself and her daughters. Karen reported that her husband unexpectedly moved out and filed for divorce. Karen was frantic with worry. She barely made enough money on her own to buy groceries for the family and had no idea how she was going to face her abuser in court without an attorney. Katie agreed to represent her in the divorce action. After conducting extensive discovery and numerous settlement negotiations, Katie obtained a settlement for Karen that allowed her to establish herself and care for her daughters. Prior to the divorce, Karen had no idea that her husband had established credit cards in her name without her consent. She had no idea he had saved significant amounts of money in his retirement and savings accounts without her knowledge. Had Karen represented herself in the divorce, it is unlikely that she would have obtained such a positive result. Additionally, Karen and her youngest daughter moved into a more affordable residence with the help of SAFEHOME’s Independent Living Program. The 12 months of graduated rent assistance helped Karen financially until her court proceedings were final. Today, Karen and her daughters live a happier life thanks to SAFEHOME’s support.

Located in Johnson County, Kansas, SAFEHOME provides shelter and supportive services for victims of domestic violence. If you need help and live in the Kansas City metro area, please call our 24-hour Hotline at 913-262-2868 to seek services. All programs are free and confidential. If you live outside the Kansas City area and need help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to access services in your community.

This Happened To Me and Can Happen To Anyone

The country has been captivated by the story of Chris Brown and Rihanna. Two popular young performers relationship became headline news in February when news broke that Chris Brown allegedly hit, kicked, and bit Rihanna following a Grammy awards pre-event party.

After months of speculation, Rihanna finally breaks her silence recently in an interview with Diane Sawyer aired on Good Morning America and 20/20. Rihanna said, “I am strong. This happened to me. I didn’t cause this. I didn’t do it. This happened to me. And it can happen to anyone.”

SAFEHOME, Johnson County’s only domestic violence agency, knows abuse happens every day in the Kansas City metro area. Today, SAFEHOME’s shelter exceeds capacity with 22 women and 27 children. In 2008, SAFEHOME assisted over 6,500 victims of domestic violence through shelter, advocacy, and counseling services.

Similar to Rihanna, Abby was in her early 20s when she experienced domestic violence. “I never thought something like this would happen to me. Someone strong, independent, opinionated, active, lots of friends, and a great family. I know now how wrong I was,” says Abby. “I told myself, if he hits me, I’ll know. And he didn’t. Never mind that he strangled me. He put his arm around my neck until I passed out.”

Abby says her dog helped save her life. “My boyfriend told me that I needed to get rid of my dog. Sammy was my buddy, there was no way I was going to get rid of him. But he knew Sammy was my last bit of support. Sammy was all I had left. To this day, my dad believes Sammy saved my life.”

At SAFEHOME, Abby received assistance in filing her Protection From Abuse order and counseling. Three years later, Abby uses her voice to educate others through SAFEHOME’s Speakers Bureau. According to Abby, “Most women are afraid to tell their story, or embarrassed, but I figure I went through this for a reason and if telling my story helps one other woman it’s worth it.” In September, she also accomplished a personal goal of completing an Ironman Triathlon.

If you or someone you know needs help, please call SAFEHOME’s 24-hour crisis hotline at 913-262-2868. If you live outside the Kansas City metro, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to access services in your community.

Forensic Nurses Week

Forensic nurses work to provide compassionate health care for victims sexual assault, while collecting and preserving vital forensic evidence that can be used in a legal proceeding. This week (Nov. 9-13) is the inaugural Forensic Nurses Week as organized by the International Association of Forensic Nurses.

Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE) are registered nurses with specialized training to identify injuries and address the medical and forensic needs of victims of sexual assault. These nurses know how to work with victims of sexual assault to prevent re-traumatization. Additionally, their advanced training in forensic evidence collection helps to increase criminal prosuction in these cause. In the state of Kansas, there are 25 hospitals and community organizations using SANE Nurses.

The Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence (KCSDV) provides training and technical assistance for Kansas’ SANE Program. As a member of KCSDV, SAFEHOME is proud to recognize these outstanding SANE nurses who meet the needs of victims of domestic violence who experienced sexual abuse. SAFEHOME’s BridgeSPAN advocates regularly work with the SANE nurses at our local hospitals.

If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic violence, help is available 24 hours a day. If you live in the Kansas City metro, please call SAFEHOME’s hotline  at 913-262-2868. For people who live outside our area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to connect with resources in your community.

What Men Can Do To Help Stop Domestic Violence

The Family Violence Prevention Fund has a program called “Coaching Boys into Men.” The Program offers suggestions for ways we engage young men so they grow up to be non-violent.

1. Teach Early – Be a role model for boys and other men. Men are more likely to listen to other men when it comes to perpetration of violence. Let other men know what is and is not acceptable behavior.

2. Be there – Just spending time with boys is crucial. Boys will probably not say it directly — but they want a male presence around them, even if few words are exchanged or time is spent doing activities.

3. Listen – Listen to how a boy or his friends talk about girls. Ask him direct questions about if he has ever seen abusive behaviors with his friends or at school. You may be shocked about this willingness to discuss the issue when the topic is presented to him.

4. Tell Him How – Teach him ways to express his anger without using violence. When he gets mad, encourage him to “walk it out, talk it out, or take a time out.” Remind him he can always come to you if he feels like things are getting out of hand.

5. Bring it up – Take a vocal stand against violence toward women when you see or hear it depicted in entertainment or in other’s behavior. Try watching TV or listening to music with him. If you see or hear things that depict violence against women, tell him what you think about it. And when it comes to dating, be sure he knows how to treat a partner with respect.

6. Teach Often – Remember it takes several repeats of the same message for us to remember and reinforce acceptable behavior.

7. Reach Out – If you know someone who is in an abusive situation, offer support. Providing information about SAFEHOME’s 24-hour hotline (913-262-2868) and services available make help someone seek the services they need to break free from an abusive relationship. You can also volunteer your time on an ongoing or episodic basis to help SAFEHOME. Visit our website at www.safehome-ks.org to learn more about volunteer opportunities or to download a volunteer application.

7. Speak Out – It is important to speak out against domestic violence in civic organizations, churches, children’s school, neighborhood associations, and sport teams. You can also invite speakers from SAFEHOME to come to these meetings. If you enjoy public speaking, you can also join SAFEHOME’s Speaker’s Bureau by going into these setting as one of our volunteers. We also enjoy you to write letters of support to members of the media that talk about this important issue. Your acknowledgement of their coverage gives validation to the importance of the story.

8. Make a donation – Supporting a domestic violence organization, like SAFEHOME, through in-kind and monetary donations sends a powerful message to boys. It lets them that domestic violence is an issue that effects all of us and that we can all be a part of the solution.

Located in Johnson county, SAFEHOME is a domestic violence agency that serves the needs of victims of domestic violence in our Kansas community. If you are interested in getting involved or in need of SAFEHOME services, please give us a call at 913-262-2868. If you live outside the Kansas City area, help is available by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.