Seeking Support for Victims of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is the number one cause of injury to women in the United States. If someone is hurting you, it is not your fault and help is available. Here are some important tips to remember from the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.

1. Talk to someone you trust about what has been happening. In addition to providing support, your friend may be able to help you seek resources in your community.

2. Safety is a priority. Remember that technology (phone/internet) can be easily monitored and traced. Use a computer at a library, work, or borrow a friend’s cell phone to access safety.

3. Trust Your Instincts. You know better than anyone else what you need to do to be safe. Listen to your gut and do what works best for you and your family.

4. Domestic violence agencies are available to help you stay safe. You can call a domestic violence hotline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We are here to listen to and provide support for you. Shelter and non-shelter services are available free of charge.

• Kansas Statewide Hotline – 1-888-End-Abuse (1-888-363-2287)
• SAFEHOME (located in the Kansas City area) – 913-262-2868
• National Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)

5. Create a safety plan. Often the most dangerous time for a victim is during or after they have left an abusive situation. Creating a safety plan can help you increase your safety at home, work, school, and in your community. Download a safety plan.

6. If you plan to leave, find someone you trust to assist you. Tell them about your situation. Leaving important documents, money, extra keys, and clothing with them may be helpful if you need to leave in a hurry.

7. Concerned about your immigration status?  In situations in which you are fleeing a violent relationship, you may qualify for assistance under the Violence Against Women Act. Talk to an immigration attorney or your local domestic violence program for more information.

For more information on how you can get help or help others visit www.helpchangekansas.com .

Legal Access Critical in Fleeing Abuse

Victims of domestic violence face numerous obstacles to escaping their abusive relationship. The most daunting obstacles usually involve fears for their children, lack of financial resources and lack of housing options. The legal system can provide remedies for these problems, but many victims lack the resources, or lack access to resources, to retain an attorney in the Johnson County area. Most family lawyers require a retainer of $2500-$5000 and charge $200-$300 per hour. It is also important that the victim be represented by a lawyer who understands the dynamics of domestic violence. Fortunately, the SAFEHOME Legal Program offers the services of an experienced family lawyer to represent shelter and outreach clients for free.

The SAFEHOME Staff Attorney, Katie McClaflin, represents victims of domestic violence in family law proceedings, including divorce, custody and protection orders. Katie has been SAFEHOME’s Staff Attorney for over four years and has assisted hundreds of SAFEHOME clients.

Karen* was a client of the Legal Program in 2008. When Karen first met with Katie, she was extremely anxious from years of physical, emotional and financial abuse. Karen had known for years that she was in an abusive relationship but had been waiting until both daughters were in college to leave. She had been in counseling with SAFEHOME for several months and really wanted to end the relationship, but did not have access to any resources to establish a life for herself and her daughters. Karen reported that her husband unexpectedly moved out and filed for divorce. Karen was frantic with worry. She barely made enough money on her own to buy groceries for the family and had no idea how she was going to face her abuser in court without an attorney. Katie agreed to represent her in the divorce action. After conducting extensive discovery and numerous settlement negotiations, Katie obtained a settlement for Karen that allowed her to establish herself and care for her daughters. Prior to the divorce, Karen had no idea that her husband had established credit cards in her name without her consent. She had no idea he had saved significant amounts of money in his retirement and savings accounts without her knowledge. Had Karen represented herself in the divorce, it is unlikely that she would have obtained such a positive result. Additionally, Karen and her youngest daughter moved into a more affordable residence with the help of SAFEHOME’s Independent Living Program. The 12 months of graduated rent assistance helped Karen financially until her court proceedings were final. Today, Karen and her daughters live a happier life thanks to SAFEHOME’s support.

Located in Johnson County, Kansas, SAFEHOME provides shelter and supportive services for victims of domestic violence. If you need help and live in the Kansas City metro area, please call our 24-hour Hotline at 913-262-2868 to seek services. All programs are free and confidential. If you live outside the Kansas City area and need help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to access services in your community.

This Happened To Me and Can Happen To Anyone

The country has been captivated by the story of Chris Brown and Rihanna. Two popular young performers relationship became headline news in February when news broke that Chris Brown allegedly hit, kicked, and bit Rihanna following a Grammy awards pre-event party.

After months of speculation, Rihanna finally breaks her silence recently in an interview with Diane Sawyer aired on Good Morning America and 20/20. Rihanna said, “I am strong. This happened to me. I didn’t cause this. I didn’t do it. This happened to me. And it can happen to anyone.”

SAFEHOME, Johnson County’s only domestic violence agency, knows abuse happens every day in the Kansas City metro area. Today, SAFEHOME’s shelter exceeds capacity with 22 women and 27 children. In 2008, SAFEHOME assisted over 6,500 victims of domestic violence through shelter, advocacy, and counseling services.

Similar to Rihanna, Abby was in her early 20s when she experienced domestic violence. “I never thought something like this would happen to me. Someone strong, independent, opinionated, active, lots of friends, and a great family. I know now how wrong I was,” says Abby. “I told myself, if he hits me, I’ll know. And he didn’t. Never mind that he strangled me. He put his arm around my neck until I passed out.”

Abby says her dog helped save her life. “My boyfriend told me that I needed to get rid of my dog. Sammy was my buddy, there was no way I was going to get rid of him. But he knew Sammy was my last bit of support. Sammy was all I had left. To this day, my dad believes Sammy saved my life.”

At SAFEHOME, Abby received assistance in filing her Protection From Abuse order and counseling. Three years later, Abby uses her voice to educate others through SAFEHOME’s Speakers Bureau. According to Abby, “Most women are afraid to tell their story, or embarrassed, but I figure I went through this for a reason and if telling my story helps one other woman it’s worth it.” In September, she also accomplished a personal goal of completing an Ironman Triathlon.

If you or someone you know needs help, please call SAFEHOME’s 24-hour crisis hotline at 913-262-2868. If you live outside the Kansas City metro, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to access services in your community.

Forensic Nurses Week

Forensic nurses work to provide compassionate health care for victims sexual assault, while collecting and preserving vital forensic evidence that can be used in a legal proceeding. This week (Nov. 9-13) is the inaugural Forensic Nurses Week as organized by the International Association of Forensic Nurses.

Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE) are registered nurses with specialized training to identify injuries and address the medical and forensic needs of victims of sexual assault. These nurses know how to work with victims of sexual assault to prevent re-traumatization. Additionally, their advanced training in forensic evidence collection helps to increase criminal prosuction in these cause. In the state of Kansas, there are 25 hospitals and community organizations using SANE Nurses.

The Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence (KCSDV) provides training and technical assistance for Kansas’ SANE Program. As a member of KCSDV, SAFEHOME is proud to recognize these outstanding SANE nurses who meet the needs of victims of domestic violence who experienced sexual abuse. SAFEHOME’s BridgeSPAN advocates regularly work with the SANE nurses at our local hospitals.

If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic violence, help is available 24 hours a day. If you live in the Kansas City metro, please call SAFEHOME’s hotline  at 913-262-2868. For people who live outside our area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to connect with resources in your community.

What Men Can Do To Help Stop Domestic Violence

The Family Violence Prevention Fund has a program called “Coaching Boys into Men.” The Program offers suggestions for ways we engage young men so they grow up to be non-violent.

1. Teach Early – Be a role model for boys and other men. Men are more likely to listen to other men when it comes to perpetration of violence. Let other men know what is and is not acceptable behavior.

2. Be there – Just spending time with boys is crucial. Boys will probably not say it directly — but they want a male presence around them, even if few words are exchanged or time is spent doing activities.

3. Listen – Listen to how a boy or his friends talk about girls. Ask him direct questions about if he has ever seen abusive behaviors with his friends or at school. You may be shocked about this willingness to discuss the issue when the topic is presented to him.

4. Tell Him How – Teach him ways to express his anger without using violence. When he gets mad, encourage him to “walk it out, talk it out, or take a time out.” Remind him he can always come to you if he feels like things are getting out of hand.

5. Bring it up – Take a vocal stand against violence toward women when you see or hear it depicted in entertainment or in other’s behavior. Try watching TV or listening to music with him. If you see or hear things that depict violence against women, tell him what you think about it. And when it comes to dating, be sure he knows how to treat a partner with respect.

6. Teach Often – Remember it takes several repeats of the same message for us to remember and reinforce acceptable behavior.

7. Reach Out – If you know someone who is in an abusive situation, offer support. Providing information about SAFEHOME’s 24-hour hotline (913-262-2868) and services available make help someone seek the services they need to break free from an abusive relationship. You can also volunteer your time on an ongoing or episodic basis to help SAFEHOME. Visit our website at www.safehome-ks.org to learn more about volunteer opportunities or to download a volunteer application.

7. Speak Out – It is important to speak out against domestic violence in civic organizations, churches, children’s school, neighborhood associations, and sport teams. You can also invite speakers from SAFEHOME to come to these meetings. If you enjoy public speaking, you can also join SAFEHOME’s Speaker’s Bureau by going into these setting as one of our volunteers. We also enjoy you to write letters of support to members of the media that talk about this important issue. Your acknowledgement of their coverage gives validation to the importance of the story.

8. Make a donation – Supporting a domestic violence organization, like SAFEHOME, through in-kind and monetary donations sends a powerful message to boys. It lets them that domestic violence is an issue that effects all of us and that we can all be a part of the solution.

Located in Johnson county, SAFEHOME is a domestic violence agency that serves the needs of victims of domestic violence in our Kansas community. If you are interested in getting involved or in need of SAFEHOME services, please give us a call at 913-262-2868. If you live outside the Kansas City area, help is available by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

T-shirts Tell a Story

According to the Men’s Rap Prevention Project, 58,000 soldiers died in the Vietnam War. During that same period of time, 51,000 women were killed by their intimate partners. That statistic became a catalyst for a national movement designed to educate people about domestic violence and break the silence of violence against women. The project was simple, asking victims to share their story through words and/or artwork on the back of a t-shirt. The t-shirts would then be hung together on a clothesline to educate others about domestic violence. Additionally, creating t-shirts became a wonderful therapeutic tool for survivors. In October 1990, the original Clothesline Project was placed on display in Hyannis, Massachusetts in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Each October, Women’s Therapist Julie works with clients at SAFEHOME to create a t-shirt telling their personal story. The activity is part of SAFEHOME’s weekly Empowerment Group. This therapeutic group explores what our clients have experienced and how they can overcome past trauma. Activities include writing poetry, art projects, and analysis of things like songs that inspire our clients to persevere. The t-shirts are placed on display in the Support Group Room to serve as a message of hope for all the women who will seek safe refuge or heal through SAFEHOME’s support groups over the course of the next year.

If you or someone you know in the Kansas City area needs help, please call SAFEHOME’s 24-Hour Crisis Hotline at 913-262-2868. If you live outside the area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to be connected with a organization in your community.

How important is language

In this blog, Audrey Cress, SAFEHOME’s Education and Prevention Advocate, talks about the importance of language and domestic violence.

The language we use to talk about domestic violence is very important.  Language shapes our understanding of our world and by tuning in and using appropriate language for the topic, we can create an environment of understanding and compassion for victims and survivors of domestic violence.

The labels we use to speak about domestic violence carry significant weight.  The terms “abuser” and “victim” are laden with many stereotypes and misconceptions that shape our understanding of domestic violence.  Abusive behavior is a learned behavior and (with much work) can be unlearned.  It is important to note that changing behavior is a very difficult process that requires a high level of commitment and can rarely be accomplished without professional help. 

Referring to people who engage in abusive behaviors as “abusers” assumes they are incapable of being anything else – of learning to be non-abusive.  Labeling the behavior rather than the person allows room for change.  The terms used to describe the person being abused (victim, survivor, battered woman, etc.) are also loaded with stereotypes and create a defined role for people.  It is important to allow the victim the opportunity to self-define – to choose the term that she feels best fits with her feelings and experiences. 

The pronouns used to discuss this topic are also significant.  Although it is important to recognize that men can be victims of domestic violence and that women can be perpetrators, statistics overwhelmingly show that many more women are being abused by men.  Many predominant men in the field of violence prevention (Jackson Katz, Don McPherson, Rus Funk) openly refer to the issue as “men’s violence against women.”  Phrasing the issue in this way allows us to recognize the reality of the situation.

In a previous column we addressed the common question “Why doesn’t she just leave?”  This question is often asked about victims of domestic violence.  Like many statements used to speak about domestic violence, this question places blame for violence within the relationship on the victim.  We rarely hear “Why is he being abusive?” though that is the question that places the accountability for abusive behavior in the appropriate place.

Another common phrase used to talk about domestic violence is “violent relationship.”  This term makes it sound like both partners are violent.  In the great majority of relationships where domestic violence is occurring, it is not the relationship that is violent – it is one of the people within the relationship.  Referring to the relationship as violent rather than the behavior of one person as violent depersonalizes the issue and reduces accountability for abusive behavior.

Creating awareness of the impact of the language we use relating to this topic will help create an environment that is supportive of victims and survivors. One that holds people accountable for abusive behaviors yet allows them the opportunity to change those behaviors. 

If you are someone you know is a victims of domestic violence help is available. Please call us 24-hours a day at 913-262-2868. If you live outside the Kansas City metro, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to be connected to resources in your community.

Loves me not…

• Is jealous
• Is possessive
• Tries to control me
• Gets violent, loses temper
• Always blames me
• Is sexually demanding
• Keeps me from seeing my friends and family
• Makes all the decisions
• Embarrasses me in front of others
• Hits me, makes me cry
• Makes me feel afraid
• Is always ‘checking up’ on me
• Controls money
• Threatens to leave me if I don’t do what I’m told
• Teases, bullies, and puts me down

If you recognize any one of these warning signs, you or someone you know may be a victim of abuse. You are not alone and help is just a phone call away. If you live in the Kansas City metro area, please call SAFEHOME at 913-262-2868. In addition to our 24 hour hotline, SAFEHOME offers safe shelter, outreach counseling, court advocacy, and several other services to meet the needs of victims of domestic violence. All services are free and confidential. If you live outsides the area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to be connected with a domestic violence agencies in your community.

 

** Adapted from the Soroptimist International of Winfield, KS.

Loves me…

• Makes me feel safe
• Makes me feel comfortable
• Listen to me
• Values my opinions
• Support what I want to do with my life
• Is truthful with me
• Admits to being wrong
• Respects me
• Always tried to understand how I feel
• Likes that I have other friends
• Makes me laugh
• Trust me
• Treat me as an equal
• Respects my family
• Understands my need for time alone or with family
• Accepts me as I am

The preceeding was a list of qualitities of a healthy relationship. Everyday deserves to be loved and happy.

SAFEHOME’s mission is to break the cycle of domestic violence and partner abuse for victims and their children by providing shelter, advoacy, counseling and prevention education in our community. To learn more about healthy relationships visit our website at www.safehome-ks.org .

** Adapted from Soroptimist International of Winfield, KS.

10 Things To Do If You Are In An Abusive Relationship

1 When violence occurs, if you are threatened or afraid, call 911.

2 Take your children and go to a safe place.

3 Go to the Emergency Room if injured. You can ask to speak with a representative from a domestic violence agency at any Kansas City area hospital. Advocates are available 24 hours a day within 30 minutes of the call.

4 Call SAFEHOME 24-hours hotline at 913-262-2868. We are here to listen or provide you with resources to help keep you safe.

5 If leaving home, take important documents: birth certificates, bank, car & insurance documents; social security cards; picture I.D.

6 Try to set aside extra cash in a safe place.

7 Hide an extra set of car and house keys outside or at a neighbor’s house.

8 Pack a set of clothes and shoes for you or your children and store with a friend, neighbor or church.

9 Obtain a Protection From Abuse order. SAFEHOME has District Court Advocates available to help you complete the paperwork and support you through court proceedings.

10 Know that you are not alone, and confidential, affordable help is available. If you are using a safe computer, visit our website at www.safehome-ks.org for more information on domestic violence and the free services SAFEHOME provides. If you live outside the Kansas City metropolitan area, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to find resources available in your community.